There's always a misconception I notice when we discuss happiness: being happy, doesn't mean never experiencing negative emotions; being happy doesn't mean being happy all the time. Love implies loss, calm implies excitement, wisdom implies making mistakes and so forth. So therefore, being happy is not the absence of negative emotions; rather, negative emotions are a prerequisite for happiness.
Chasing happiness often makes us more unhappy by highlighting and emphasizing what we are lacking: I'll be happier when I've bought a house. I'll be happier in a new job. I'll be happier single. I'll be happier in a relationship. I'll be happier when I'm on holiday. All these statements miss one critical aspect: if happiness is external, it is inherently fragile, and any change in your external environment therefore threatens it.
Chasing first of all "societal expectations" of happiness often makes us realize sooner or later that maybe all these things that were supposed to make us happy and fulfilled don't really do that. A new car, a promotion, graduating from uni, all sound great but they do not necessarily make us happy, at least not in the long run.
The paradox of happiness therefore, is that directly pursuing it, often makes us unhappy. A bit like staring directly into the sun like during a solar eclipse can blind you and cause permanent damage, chasing happiness makes it more obvious that we are thus not happy. So what is the answer then? Meditation, God, gratitude, gluttony?
The often recommended path to finding happiness is the indirect one, kind of like breaking down sunlight into a rainbow, except happiness breaks down into a few dimensions:
Spiritual happiness: do you have meaning in life? do you believe in a higher purpose? what is your philosophy of life?
Physical happiness: just as everyone experiences stress, how well can you recover, rest and take care of your health and physical body? are you energized to be alive?
Intellectual happiness: are you cultivating curiosity in your life and deeply engaging with topics you are passionate about?
Relational happiness: do your relationships have depth and quality to them? are you connecting with the people in your life in a meaningful way?
Emotional happiness: are you practicing gratitude for all the good in your life? are you able to not only embrace positive emotions but also negative ones?
In the words of author Tal Ben-Shahar:
Happiness is wholebeing.
This also means that we can learn to be happy by living wholly, but also that we can learn to make the best of the things that happen, and find happiness even in negative experiences. In this instance, cultivating happiness is about antifragility - making sure that whatever happens, just like working out our muscles in the gym to make them stronger, when we experience difficulty, we grow from it.
Over the next weeks I want to explore these ideas and look into the areas of my life that have been neglected lately. My goal is not to be happy all the time, but find the conditions I can put in place to increase the likelihood of growing from hardship and negative experiences, so I can enjoy my life more. Feel free to join me on this journey if you too are wondering how to become happier.
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